Spit white, and foaming. Ravaging the peace,
trying to stay afloat, or, out swim the sea.
Silent as midnight you crept out of my heart
Where we made a love child,
a wound that would smart.
A demon, defacing the value of time,
As you out-swim my… Nile
I lay on the bank trying to out-blink the sun,
But no matter how many times my shutter fly eyes close
I cannot seem to shun the image of love
And what it looked like In your eyes
And what it felt like in your arms
And with all that still here, how could you be so gone?
My, how time is a disguise…
no matter how it flies, or how far in the past we may lie
this beating does not subside, nor do my eyes turn blind to this hollow reflection,
seeing only horrors of your deception.
Do you know how you played and pulled and plucked the strings of my heart?
Scooping, and gutting and emptying
until it was maimed and in parts.
Do you know that when the sun would rise
I’d close the blinds and crawl back into my bed where I’d fled reality?
I chased dreams in dreams.
I chased love in dreams.
I chased life in dreams,
Where the sting didn’t seem to smart so bad
More like a tick in the back of my head
Something to remember, but I don’t know what I forgot
And before I awake the tears are already hot on my face
And when I wake there is a knot in the pit of my stomach.
I turn onto my side and clench tightly my ribs,
Holding together a puzzle that no longer fits.
So I close my eyes and pray for the oceans to clash,
For the waves to crash upon me and wash away the muck building in my soul.
For the sun to breathe warmth back into my veins,
for her to drop a bit of beauty onto me again.
I don’t want to swim, I don’t want to breathe, I don’t want to think
I just want to be.
I just want to float, I just want to be…..
I just want to be…OK
~ Khadija Ahmaddiya