How the beetles affirmed my life this summer …
“I am here to guide and direct myself in this lifetime. I am consciousness evolving.“
~ Khadija Ahmaddiya
I am surrounded by beetles. For the last few weeks they have landed on my windows, car, and even on me. One tried to land on my child, as I was crossing the street, which was scary but not happening. I’ve been swatted in the face as my partner tried to fend them off. I now don a welted scab right beside my left eye. I’ve studied a few beetles that have landed close enough, they are great beauties. Emerald green and shining, but when they come barreling at you buzzing - they are less than appealing. So why? Why have beetles become the theme of my life?
I’ve read that beetles symbolize great change, luck and transformation. There have been significant changes in my life and this summer. We got a new car and a new bathtub. Sounds luxurious right? Well the experience was anything but, and bred out of dire necessity. These changes have come at great costs: lack of sleep, loss of schedule, (which - with a toddler is a week long nightmare), not showering for a week, shift in finances, you name it. It lasted for weeks. It was hell trying to buy a car in LA, it was hell having my home under major emergency renovation. After the overwhelm subsided, and routines returned, I could feel the relief of progress, and a similar shift internally. First the turmoil, then the blossom. I have been so aware of my mental chatter, so keen to my senses and how they drive me. One day I stopped to analyze my thoughts, and I realized these are not even my own thoughts. Other peoples’ stories have attached themselves to my internal voice; hurtful conversations that I continued to re-play. Opinions, directions, suggestions…. I’m not arguing with myself, I’m arguing with the perception of myself from others. This is not my voice. I remind myself. What do you really feel? I began thinking about my values and what is important to me on a larger scale. I am here to guide and direct myself in this lifetime. I am consciousness evolving.I am not the experiences of my friends and families, or their perception of me. My life is completely my own. Where am I directing my energy? How am I creating the experience I desire? This comes swooping into my heart and setting me free. The idea of consciousness evolving is the experience of always learning, always growing. It is the energy of expansion, the allowance of shifts in perception and direction.. With this notion I am able to let go, and simply be, who I am today.
Beetles under-go tremendous transformations and have about 4-5 life cycles before they emerge as “beetles”. Their presence, though pesky, has opened my eyes to my own personal transformation. These last few seasons have brought forth so much change in my life, motherhood being the greatest. Sometimes I feel completely unrecognizable, and I am learning that’s ok… wonderful even. A mental shift has occurred. Slowing down to watch my thoughts, I have more self-compassion and patience. I don’t allow my thoughts to dictate my next moves but rather inform me of where to shift and focus inward.
Side note: that whack to the face I took, was like a sobering slap of reality. In that moment, you couldn’t tell me the beetles were not speaking to me!
Peace Family,
~ Khadija
AFFIRMATIONS FOR YOU
I am present, witnessing, and allowing. I am creating the experience I desire.
My life is completely my own.
I am here to guide and direct myself in this lifetime. I am consciousness evolving.
