Notes on Giving Advice
Today we are uniquely interwoven in each other’s lives. With technology and social media leading the charge, we have uncanny access to people through space and time. It is here we must be also be critical and vigilant of how we are showing up for one another. How are we moving through this sacred intimacy? Are we allowing of differences and respecting individual journeys? Or are we dangerously treading on the edges of separatism by ways of intolerance and judgement? We often find ourselves overwhelmed and quite frankly – it’s in the minding of other people’s business that may be putting us over the edge. So… read on for my advice on giving unsolicited advice {insert Cheshire cat smile}!
4 Notes on Giving Advice
# 1) DON’T! Unless expressly asked, don’t assume that people want or need your input. We all know how empowering it is to solve a problem or come to an organic resolve. When we give unsolicited advice, it disempowers our loved ones and often times is overwhelming for them. They may not feel comfortable saying “I am not seeking advice”. It may cause distance if they feel you are crossing personal boundaries or overstepping.
#2) ASK – If you are adamant about your input, then simply ask “Do you want my advice”? It is a thoughtful display of respect for their boundaries and their ability to figure out their own situation. If they decline your advice, accept that.
#3) Listen – It is OK to listen without the need to dictate the outcome. In our passionate care for others, sometimes we can’t bear the thought of our people being uncomfortable, suffering or dealing with conflict. Guess what? Life is full of conflict and discomfort. Show your support by being an encouraging and compassionate listener. Let them know that you believe in their ability to choose for themselves what is right for their own life.
4.) Don’t ASSUME you know the whole picture – it is impossible to know every detail of a situation and the various conditions and reasons why a person is struggling or behaving a certain way; whether it be their romantic relationship or other personal matters. Understand that we each have unique experiences and no two situations are the same; so it is impossible for you to grasp the entirety of someone’s hardship and make decisions or suggestions on their behalf… Unless they are asking for your specific input, don’t assume they want it. Don’t assume their circumstance.
Sometimes we unconsciously feed our own ego by trying to display that we have the right answers or have overcome similar circumstances. That is not support and it’s not conducive to someone’s growth. I believe in helping, when asked; I also believe in allowing people to figure it out themselves while empowering them to do so. One thing I have learned in pregnancy is that people love to display their knowledge, some are really afraid of my discomfort, others are genuinely trying to be supportive. I feel most loved and most supported when my people are understanding of the unique and individual journey of motherhood, and the growth I must go through, at times, alone. It is during this journey that I am listening to myself first and realizing how much advice is being thrown at me; advice that is based on other people’s experiences and preferences. I had to check in with the ways I am communicating and reciprocating support. I get it, we just want to help. The most helpful and considerate thing I could offer is boundaries. Respecting someone’s choices, respecting their fears and griefs and not insisting or pressing my point of view (UNLESS ASKED) is priceless. Allow your people to stand in their power and figure out their own stuff; not to mention, this frees you of the responsibility of sorting out someone else’s life. So, cheers to freedom. Cheers to boundaries. Cheers to minding your business and uplifting your people in prayer and thoughtful communication. Cheers to allowing folks to make their own decisions and mistakes however they choose! Cheers to learning to love, freely and unconditionally. Cheers to more YOU and less them!
